OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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