Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
there is puke in my bra ... again
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