I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
