You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
