If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We need to feng shui this bitch.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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