you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
