ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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