here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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