omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
