when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I believe in your delicious
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
