I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
