So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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