I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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