he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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