everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
