My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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