Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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