I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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