How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
