two words: eviction party
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize