sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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