Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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