In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
