i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
