just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
