I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
