if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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