Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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