Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
