hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
