Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
