well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
