I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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