I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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