Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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