I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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