he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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