I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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