please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
