from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
