just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
