Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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