Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
