the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Someone came in the potted fern
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
