So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
