I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
