1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize