Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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