the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
