help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
