M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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