hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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