im having a threesome with these popsicles
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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