Kareoke will never be a sober sport
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
How does one acquire holy water?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize