You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
