I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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