Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
