Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
