The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
